


I'm A Goner Somebody Catch My Breath

by thegirlwholikestowrite



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, M/M, Schizophrenia, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:10:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4299003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholikestowrite/pseuds/thegirlwholikestowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler says goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm A Goner Somebody Catch My Breath

Hello Josh,  
I know you probably saw this coming. You always have known I was never okay. You knew me better than myself. And I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that. For finding broken me and making me a whole again. Bothering to pick up my pieces after I tore at myself, took my anger out on others. You have seen inside of me. You saw how dark it was. How confusing. That’s how it feels living inside my head. All these thoughts attacking me and leaving me vulnerable when I’m least expecting it, they are shattering me. And I am afraid the next time I break completely you won’t be there to pick me up again. You seem tired. I get it. I am too. This illness or disorder or want ever it is, it took a lot from us. And I am sorry. I am sorry you had to take care of my messed up self and broken mind. I just don’t know how to be normal. I don’t know what it is like to look at a mirror and not hate the horrid reflection I see. I don’t know what it is like to be able to go to sleep at a normal time and not have shadows haunt you. I don’t know how else to deal with fear and anxiety rather than poking holes in my skin. I don’t know how to love you without hurting you. I don’t know how to be okay and I don’t know how to feel okay. I don’t remember the last time I went to sleep without worrying if it would switch again. I don’t remember not fearing hurting you when it happens. I am a threat to you. All I do is hurt you. I don’t even remember most of it. I destroy everything I touch and I am tired of it all. I’m sorry. I know I am letting my fear win. But there are worse ways to go, I think. At least I will go knowing that you love me. I hate to do this to you. But every moment I spend with you, I’m just infecting you with my demons. I’m poison. And I am slowly killing everything. I can stop it all. I can end it. I can have a forever full of quiet. I can finally sleep. I can finally go without nightmares and sleeping pills and medicine. I can finally free myself of the tedious effort of living. I just want to finish this before it takes over again. My hands are shaking and I am struggling to remember what I was going to say but I am still here. It’s still me. I’m not letting it win when I am dying. There is something beautiful about endings. The sunset. Yeah like the sunset. Think of this as my sunset. I am hoping my death will color the skies with colors you have never seen. I am hoping my death could show you what I am and what I want to be. You were my sunrise and this is my sunset. This is my ending. And it is as beautiful as it will be. Not as beautiful as you though. I guess I will miss you the most. How your eyes sparkle under the sun and how your eyelids crinkle when you smile and how your hair gets all puffy when you wake up and your head on my shoulder and your body in my arms and how I can feel your heart beat through everything. I will miss singing to you too. Like I will miss everything about you. I’m not going back Josh. I’m not giving up this time. Not again. My voice is cracking and my throat hurts. He is close. It’s so dark in this room you know. I can barely see what I am writing and I am slowly wishing for more time to stay conscious. He might want me alive . But I don’t know If I do anymore. It took a lot from me. And one day it will take you and I don’t think I am ready to face that. So I am going to turn away from it like I am turning away from everything along with you. Please don’t hate me. I was always titled as the crazy suicidal head case. There was no saving me. I can’t leave this body and this mind and this illness and whatever this is that haunts my dreams and scares my friends and keeps me awake at night unless I kill them all. Even if it means ending my own life and cutting my own breath. I am a burden to you. I am tiring and exhausting and I am tired myself. I didn’t lose my purpose. I still want to live. I still want to grow old with you. I still want to spend my time with you and learn to smile again. But it is leaving me no choice but To leave. I’m weak and beaten down and sometimes can’t even breathe without assistance and everything about me is haunting. When everything about you is art. You caught me when I fell. You caught my breath and you kept me alive. You made me feel home and safe and you loved me no matter what this crazy bastard made me into. I’m no monster Josh. He is. But I don’t know how to shut him up. He’s loud. He’s too loud and he won’t shut his mouth and he always tells me bad things and I’m scared and tired and I don’t want to die and I need help but It is what I have to do. So I will go and do it now. I love you. I always did.   
Stay alive and stay street. 


End file.
